Why Is It So Hard for SOF Spouses to Ask for Help?

As Special Operations Forces (SOF) spouses, we are often seen as the backbone of our families—the steady, unwavering support system that keeps everything running, no matter the chaos around us. It’s a role we take pride in, but it’s also one that comes with immense pressure. Somewhere along the way, many of us adopt the belief that we must carry it all on our own. 

We juggle the demands of parenting, household management, and emotional labor while our partners are away on missions, training, or deployments. Even when we feel the weight becoming unbearable, asking for help feels like admitting defeat. But why? Why is it so hard to reach out? Why is seeking support often seen as a weakness, rather than a strength? 

I promised myself I’d take the help. I’d ask for support. I’d use the resources available to me. And most importantly, I’d make time to worry about me, too. But I know how difficult it is to break that cycle, and I want to talk about why that is—and why we need to change it. 

The Stigma Around Asking for Help 

In the SOF community, there’s an unspoken expectation that we should handle everything with grace and strength. We internalize this, believing that asking for help is a sign of failure. 

1. The Pressure to Be Strong 

   1. We are often expected to be pillars of strength, holding our families together while our partners are away. 

      1. The Image of the “Perfect Spouse”: There’s a cultural narrative that SOF spouses should be resilient (a word I won’t use lightly) and self-sufficient, capable of managing it all without complaint. 

      2. Fear of Judgment: Asking for help feels like admitting we’re struggling, and we worry about how others will perceive us. 

2. The Need for Control 

   1. SOF life is inherently unpredictable, and managing everything on our own can feel like the only way to maintain a sense of control. 

      1. Protecting the Image: By carrying it all, we convince ourselves we’re in control, even when life feels chaotic. 

      2. The Fear of Letting Go: Accepting help means trusting someone else to handle what we usually manage ourselves—a terrifying thought for many of us. 

3. The Misconception of Weakness 

   1. There’s a deeply ingrained misconception that asking for help means we’re weak or incapable. 

      1. The “Do-It-All” Mentality: We’ve been conditioned to believe that strength means doing everything alone, even when it’s not sustainable. 

      2. Guilt and Shame: We feel guilty for needing help, as though we’re somehow failing our partners, our families, or ourselves. 

Breaking the Cycle: Why Asking for Help Is Essential 

The truth is, no one can do it all. Carrying everything on your own isn’t sustainable, and it’s not a badge of honor—it’s a recipe for burnout. Asking for help isn’t weakness; it’s wisdom. 

1. You Deserve Support 

   1. You spend so much time taking care of everyone else—your partner, your children, your household. You deserve to be taken care of, too. 

      1. It’s Not All on You: You don’t have to carry every responsibility alone. Accepting help allows you to focus on what truly matters. 

      2. You Are Worthy: Your needs are just as important as anyone else’s in your family. 

2. It Strengthens, Not Weakens, Your Family 

   1. When you ask for help, you’re not just helping yourself—you’re creating a stronger, healthier family dynamic. 

      1. Modeling Healthy Behavior: By seeking support, you show your children and partner that it’s okay to ask for help when they need it. 

      2. Avoiding Burnout: Taking care of yourself ensures you have the energy and emotional capacity to care for your family. 

3. Resources Exist for a Reason 

   1. The resources available to SOF spouses and families are there to be used. They exist because someone recognized the unique challenges we face—and they want to help. 

      1. You’re Not Alone: Many SOF spouses have walked this path and have found strength in community and support. 

      2. It’s Not a Failure: Using resources doesn’t mean you’re failing; it means you’re doing what’s necessary to thrive. 

My Promise to Myself 

I made a promise to myself: 

• I will take the help. When someone offers support, I won’t brush it off or downplay my needs. I will accept it with gratitude. 

• I will ask for support. Whether it’s reaching out to a friend, a family member, or a professional resource, I won’t be afraid to say, “I need help.” 

• I will use the resources available to me. From counseling to community groups, I will take advantage of the tools designed to help me navigate this journey. 

• I will worry about me, too. My health, happiness, and well-being matter. Taking care of myself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. 

It’s Time to Change the Narrative

We need to change the way we think about asking for help. It’s not a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of strength, self-awareness, and commitment to ourselves and our families. 

If you’re reading this and feeling the weight of doing it all, I encourage you to let go of the belief that you have to carry it alone. Take the help. Ask for support. Use the resources available to you. And most importantly, worry about you, too. 

At Lotus River Wellness, we’re here to remind you that you don’t have to do this by yourself. Our programs and resources are designed with you in mind, offering tools to help you navigate the challenges of SOF life while prioritizing your own well-being. 

You are not alone, and you don’t have to carry the world on your shoulders. Let’s rewrite the narrative together—because asking for help isn’t giving up. It’s the first step toward thriving.